Update: My Bad, I had a Mental Breakdown
I want to start this off with an apology or many apologies. I dropped a lot of balls last year. I was experiencing the dissolution of my housing, cutting off my parents, scrambling to get into stable housing, all while trying to work and build the farm. This tumult lead to me living in a shed, my car, and airbnb’s when I got tired of showering with a hose. I am sorry for not communicating, I said yes to things I thought I could do and literally forgot about the commitments in the chaos. I was disappointed in myself. My intention is to take ownership, I did not show up when I said I would and disrupted some schedules. I’ll be reaching out to individuals with whom I did not communicate. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for your grace.
This post is to offer transparency around what is going on with the farm. Good news! Harriet Tubman Freedom Farm is relocating to Indianapolis. I have gained a lot of skills from my time at the Earthship Academy last September and while living in the desert of the Coachella Valley. I have also planned to transition the acreage in Whitakers, NC into an agroforest. Long live the Longleaf Pine!
While I love that land and feel really strongly about the mission of healing Black people’s relationship to food and agriculture in the South, I have been met with so much resistance in eastern NC, that I do not think it’s the place I’m supposed to be right now. My priority is stability. Stable housing, stable relationships, and quiet. I have been living out of my car, Airbnbs, and hotels since last spring. I’m exhausted and very angry. My purpose is not to fight the USDA, not to fight my parents, not to fight the rv, or anyone else. I just want to grow.
I’ve been making jokes about needing a white husband (I’m a lesbian) to make this endeavor easier. White men get to move a little differently(read as freely) in this field. I know this work is not meant to be done alone, that’s not my desire. I want to build intentional, loving, trusting relationships with people who are the right fit. I also need the right footing to reciprocate the care, trust, and love to show up for my people. I’m angry and hurt because so many things that felt out of my hands got in the way of me being able to do what I wanted. I felt cheated and abused. I felt like I wasted so much money. I felt inadequate in my ability to connect with my people. My body and sleep have taken huge hits from all this rage inside of me. I’m working on healthy releases every day and being kind with where I am.
For all of us surviving the racial terror of this country, the structural violence blocking our success, and the interpersonal dynamics that cause us grief, I see you and feel you deeply. I have learned about the unsustainability of trying to build something when I do not have my own place of peace. I tried to make it my mind for a while, that only lasted so long. I now understand that my body, heart, and mind must all have ease. For the consistency of violence in this society to be manageable, I have to have a safe home.
I’m moving to an apartment in Indianapolis, while I build my credit back up. It was negatively impacted by spending so much on hotels and airbnbs in such a short amount of time. Family that I trust and adore live in this city, being close will give me time to recuperate while I search for a home for me and Dembe. In the winter, I plan to come back to NC and coordinate tree plantings, community is more than welcome to join. The forest is for the future, for the soil, for the bats and birds, and for the transmutation of the many emotions of the collective. Please plant and mulch with me.
My prayer is that I continue to accept the path of least resistance. After years of performative care for Black lives, several surges of the various variants, and the liberal administration of this empire continuing business as usual, I am affirmed that growing food and sharing these technologies is a necessity. More importantly, embodying a practice of self-liberation is my main goal.
I share this post as a move beyond shame to grace and a hope to connect with kindred. I know I’m not alone. Thank you so much.